My Advice To A Howard University Hottie Looking For Love

The following letter was written by one of the readers here on BlogXilla.com, looking for advice.

Hi Xilla,

I read your blog from time to time and the other night I came across your post titled “The Good Woman Grade: How Guys Decide to Make You Their Lady.” For the last few years I’ve mostly focused on myself and having fun. My attitude toward dating has kind of been along the lines of “If something happens it happens. If not, whatever, I learned something and I had fun.” Basically not having a boyfriend didn’t matter too much to me until this past Valentine’s Day. Myself and a few friends of mine cannot understand why “hoes stay winning.” In the last 4 years there has not been a single a person that I could bring home to meet my parents and obviously the guys I’ve talked to have felt the same way about me. I’ve had my fun these last few years but soon this not being in a relationship thing is going to become a problem!

First, here is a little bit about me. I am a 21 year old college student, Human Services major, and I graduate this year. I’ve been told that I am charismatic, reliable, comical, and friendly. In addition, I am a member of one of the more well-known divine nine sororities on my campus, which means that I am definitely ambitious, compassionate, and intelligent, or else I would not have made the cut. I’ve asked the few guys that I have chosen to engage in sexual activity with, and in bed, on average I received about 4.5 out of 5. This is not a perfect score, but I’d say it’s pretty solid considering my age and the amount of time that I have been sexually active.

By no means am I a perfect individual, so I’ll give you a few physical and personality attributes that some may appreciate and others may not too much care for. I have a tendency to be outspoken (I’m learning to bite my tongue). If I am in a relaxed setting I have a bit of a potty mouth. I am a “chocolate girl” (I use this term because I like it better than dark-skinned). I don’t necessarily love cooking, so I won’t volunteer to do it, but I am capable. I am petite, about 5’2 and around 120lbs. Despite growing up in a house with a father and a brother, I know absolutely nothing about sports (I’m willing to learn though).

When It comes to the things that you mentioned in your article that I haven’t covered, I don’t mind going out of my way to help others and performing random acts of kindness just because, I don’t mind cleaning (I actually kind of enjoy it) and being that I am going to school for counseling I would say that I am rather encouraging and have an overall sunny disposition (Apologies, I know this is a huge run on).

Every guy I’ve ever talked to says the same thing “You’re a nice girl, great conversation, I like being with you, I just don’t want to BE with you.” At first I thought it was the college environment where most want to be single and have fun, which is understandable to a certain degree. This led me to try dating guys who were a little older (ages 24-26) and still I’ve had no luck. With all this being said, I would like to know what I could possibly be doing wrong. Please help!!!

Signed
Howard Hottie Looking For Love
___

Dear, Howard Hottie Looking For Love:

You’re only 21 years old. Right now is the time for you to have fun and enjoy life.

If you’re still in school you don’t need boyfriend or have to focus on one thing for that matter.

Billionaire Mark Cuban says “being focused at 21 is overrated. Now is your time to screw up and try as many new things as you can so you can maybe figure things out.”

Being in a relationship will block you from doing that. There is nothing wrong with being single. There is no need to rush, but there is nothing wrong with honing your skills to be ready when a relationship does come in your life. I would suggest you build some great male friendships. If benefits are involved cool. If not, no worries. Take this time to practice getting to know people. That’s a skill we overlook all to often, in this microwave get it everything now generation. You should also read a few biographies, relationship books, as well as my blogs. (Shameless plug)

Ask yourself why do you want a boyfriend? Do you need one? Is he going to complete you?

At 21 I find it hard to believe you even know what type of man you want to be with. Do you like a man to cuddle, do you like a man who is able to see you all the time? Do you need a man who has money, drive, goals? Do you know what turns you on, or what makes you tick? Girls don’t know if they like getting their salad tossed until they get their salad tossed. I guess what I am saying is that young women don’t know what they like sexually, until someone does what they like sexually to them.

When I was 21 I had no clue what I wanted just that I wanted a girl to have sex with. As I got older I started to figure out what women liked and what women don’t like. I started to figure out what I liked and what I didn’t like. I hate being bit and I don’t like getting my neck licked. When I was younger I would of let those things slide, but not anymore.

With that said, if a man is what you truly want I would advise you follow my four Laws of love. They are as followed:

The First law of love is the law of change: One thing I notice is that if you want love you must decide to change your thinking. My law of change, is as followed, if you want to change your love life, you must change the way you think. If you believe there are no good men out there you won’t find good man.

The second law of love is the law of responsibility: If you want to change your love life you have to accept the responsibility for your love life and take control of the situations you find yourself in. Your thoughts, your feelings and your actions all determine if you will find love or not. There is a certain type of woman that a man will bring home to his mother, and there is another type of woman that a man just brings home. Be the woman you want to be.

The third law of love is the love of belief. Your reality is based on what you believe. If you believe you’re not worth bringing home to mother, you’ll never find someone who will bring you home to their mother. Our beliefs hold us back, think about it. We weren’t born with these beliefs we picked them up as we got older. WebMD reports that the average toddler hears the word no 400 times a day, so its no wonder we think we would never find a good person to love us. The law of belief is that what you believe is totally in your control.

The forth law of love is the law of focus. One you begin to focus on the lover your want, it will be come crystal clear when they walk into your life. If you don’t have a concrete vision of the type of person you want then how will you find that person? Focus on what you want that person to look like, how you want them to treat you, and all of the things you want this person to provide for you. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Feel how all of that makes you feel. When you do this, you’ll know exactly when the one walks into your life and you’ll never settle for anything less.

Xilla