The End Of Courtship? Not So Fast. How To Change The Date Culture Of Text Messages
Have you ever expected to go out on a date with someone only to find out that the word date meant, hanging out with the person and their friends? We all have. This is the topic of a recent article I read in the New York Times which said that we are in the era of group dates and courtship is pretty much dead.
I don’t know about y’all but I still enjoy courting women. I like occasional phone calls, inspirational text messages and one on one dates over drinks and a nice dinner. That’s my thing, but it turns out I might be considered vintage in the dating world.
The NYT article points out:
“Dating culture has evolved to a cycle of text messages, each one requiring the code-breaking skills of a cold war spy to interpret.”
I hear women complain a lot about men who only text, or over use the text message, but I feel like text messaging your lover can be useful. Now text messages shouldn’t be the only form of communication but it should be taken advantage of. If you’re at work a text can make it seem like the two of you work together. A text can quickly let a person know they’re on your mind. Still the moment when you have been texting for over a week and haven’t heard the person’s voice. It’s a problem. Pick up the phone hold a conversation it could save you a lot of time. No sense chasing someone via text messages if they can’t hold a real conversation. Phone calls require courage, ego and thought. Because phone calls require topics to actually talk about.
The article also points out that people aren’t using dates to get to know each other, but rather using their PHD’s in Internet Stalking Skills on people’s social media profiles to get to know one another.
Instead of dinner-and-a-movie, which seems as obsolete as a rotary phone, they rendezvous over phone texts, Facebook posts, instant messages and other “non-dates” that are leaving a generation confused about how to land a boyfriend or girlfriend.
I understand where the frustration is coming from, but I don’t buy into the logic that more information is a bad thing when it comes to dating. Social media gives you way more information on a person. It has always been important to know who your potential boyfriend or girlfriend were friends with? Now you can find this out, and also know what they are talking about.
A quick look at my reader’s Bri timeline and I see she’s a considerate and helpful person. She pointed out a typo on someone’s website in a very polite way, and then reminded people to be considerate of their girlfriend’s feelings. She is showing signs of a wonderful heart that every guy should hope their lady possesses in a relationship.
Is courtship fucked up? Of course it is, look no further than Love and Hip Hop. Rich Dollaz claims Erica Mena when its convenient. When they are on a dual interview they are engaged. When he’s one on one interview he tells people they messing around. I don’t know about y’all but I have never met a woman who is okay just messing around with someone. Even if a girl is messing around with a dude, she says, Yes we are friends, but I digress.
On the same show, Joe Budden has his ex girlfriend over his house while his current girlfriend relaxes in a pool as the former couple argues over whether or not he slept with one of his females friends. Are we more understanding lovers or is the game just fucked up?
I feel like until a study is done on not just how new media has changed society, but how we can use new media to effectively enhance our lives, new media will continue to be a problem.
Having more information is useless if you don’t know what to do with it. Information can be abused, but we have to figure out exactly how Social media can work for us in our love lives.
So less group dates and more one on one time. Picking up the telephone and asking someone on a date — required courage, strategic planning and a considerable investment of ego.
Less text messages and more phone calls. The article points out that people put more effort into finding a movie to watch on Netflix Instant than composing a coherent message to ask a you out.”
Continue to use social media to get to know one another, but match that social media time with in person time. Online research makes the first date feel unnecessary, because it creates a false sense of intimacy. You think you know all the important stuff, when in reality, all you know is that they watch ‘Homeland.
With all of that said, I saw a meme this week that read, “Chivalry isn’t dead. It just followed wherever being ‘lady-like’ went.” Today more and more women are thinking like dudes. They don’t want a relationship, they don’t want a title, they just want to have fun and live life. So for many women a ‘date’ can’t be a date. Dudes are more likely to get some if they invite her out with her friends.
At the end of the day, men of the 90′s and early 2000′s finally got their way. Its’ up to us to change it back.
Xilla follow me on twitter @BlogXilla
Thank God ur back… Where the hell have you guys been?
I got a blog on that but i am not sure I am gonna post it as is… but i’m trying.
Well you should post it.. I appreciate every blog both you and Teesha do…
“Meme” made a great point, chivalry is not dead. Sometimes, we as women just don’t know how to be ladies and let the man do his job in a relationship. We don’t allow to be courted anymore, I know me personally I’m the one who is courting. I want to go out on real dates, talk on the phone, and I’m doing the social research. I guess I am the man of the relationship and I wish I could just find a man who can be the MAN I want to see. Men need to take heed to their grandfathers and older uncles these men know how to court their women. I’m just saying.
Welcome back @BlogXilla
Thanks Jackie. Missed you. but you’re right. It takes the woman to set the standards for what she deems acceptable. We are only going to do what the women allow us to do.
@xilla season has returned!!!! Now lets take a shot at this topic. Courting:…”a man’s courting of a woman..seeking the affections of a woman(with hopes of marriage). Nahh!! That’s not the mindset of most of us single guys today,we aren’t going into a situation with hopes of marrying the chick we’re spending time with….not right off the jump anyways. So I wouldn’t say courting is dead,its just that dating would be a better way 2 describe todays man/woman relationships. Chivalry isn’t dead,if a man is dealing with a “true” lady he will naturally be a “true” gentlemen….well most men LOL. The reason “texting” is so popular nowdays is becuz its like a “open” phone call. U can text a person back 10-20mins later & still communicate versus having missed calls & playing phone tag with “call me when u get a chance” voicemails LOL. But actual phone calls are still being made,its just that text messages are more convenient. The old days…are the old days,gotta adjust ur strategy & move forward. Jusy sayn!
What up my brother! glad to be back! you make some valid points. Texting gives you time to reply! verse a phone. I find calls rude but once you get into actually talking to people it’s still fun.
Great post! I read the original article on NYT and the followup on Clutch. I feel like people will act however you allow them to. You don’t have to be combative or confrontational about it either. If you want someone to call tell them up front that you appreciate phone calls and dont be so quick to sit up in text messages all day long. After being responsive for the first couple of hours they will get the hint and call. Or not. Either way you gotta learn where to draw the line.
As far as actual dating goes – man, listen. I can’t tell you the last time I was asked out on a date and I’m starting to get a complex about it lol. I enjoy getting dolled up, going out and having a good time getting to know someone but the opportunities havent been presenting themselves like that. I did tell myself tho that I’m not doing any “house dates” this year. I can sit in my own house and enjoy my own company just fine.
So how do you ask someone out on a date? Like so everyone KNOWs it’s an actual date.
I met my ex (over 4 years ago) on a dating site. After talking on the phone and going back and forth on AIM for about 2 weeks I told him straight up “I wont speak to you again until we can have these great conversations in person”. He made a lunch date the next day.
I think expressing interest and requesting definitive action are important. I feel like people are so friggin scared nowadays. No one wants to look “thirsty” but thats some corny shyt. We’re grown. Man/Woman up, let someone know you like them and would like to get to know them better. In public.
great method. If you don’t let people know how you want to be treated they will treat you how they want to treat you. It’s a topic I preach on my blog.
*starts to smirk* Just a lady lurker who’s very glad your back.. & waiting on the next cinderella
Hello Lady Lurker. Thanks for reading. I’m happy to be back. I’ hope you would come out of hiding more. It makes me want to write more when people respond. react and share the stuff I write.
Very good blog post, it’s hard to find a guy that actually wants to take the time and court you. Mind you I do not blame this on the male because as females sometimes we do not set our standards high enough to get the respect we deserved and some of us just settle. I don’t wanna settle, court me, take me on dates, show me that you deserve my attention! Let’s bring courting back in 2013!