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She Went To Law School, He Had A Baby With Another Woman… Now What’s Next?

I got an interesting email from one of my female readers, While I did give her some advice I thought the sexual intellectuals could give her some added advice. So read her letter and lets try to help her out.

I have been dating this guy D for about 9 years.  We met when were in college (we went to different schools).  We were just kicking it talking regularly, occasionally hanging out.  From the beginning there has always been a connection that went further than the sex.  After I graduated, my friends and I moved to a new city, which happened to be where he lived.  We continued to date, but not exclusively.  Neither of us was ready to be tied down, but  again that connection kept us talking and hanging out and by 2005 we were hanging out all the time.

Yes the sex was amazing but I had said to myself that if something happened and we couldn’t have sex anymore, I would still be with him.  That was how I knew he had my heart.  I was in LOVE.  Both of our parents have been married for a really long time and so we both know the ups and downs of marriage and we were not in a rush to jump into anything.  In the summer of 2007 D moved to anothe city to work with his father in real estate.  It was to be a temporary move just until he felt he could come back to our city and get his own business going.  While we knew the 4 hour distance would be a challenge we saw the bigger picture of what this challenge was going to provide for our future.  Because I loved him, I supported his decision knowing that he truly felt that was the best choice for us.

In 2008 I was accepted into law school but in a city further away from where D was.  We were now 7.5 hours apart.  He knew of my dream to attend law school and he was nothing but supportive and encouraged me to go even though we knew what that meant for us.  In law school you either make it or you fall hard. Making it meant my priorities had to change. They both could not be #1.  The first year was okay, we managed to see each other every month, but I noticed the toll the distance was taking.  D was spoiled, and I have no one to blame but myself for that.  He always had my attention and time and was #1 no matter what.  Law school put him in the back seat.  While he never said anything, probably didn’t want to stress me out more on top of school stress, I knew him well enough to know things were changing between us and why they were changing.  I felt bad not being able to give him what he needed, what I felt he deserved.

We decided to “break up” but we still talked everyday, we were each other’s best friends.  About 5 months later D told me that a girl he slept with was pregnant and it might be his.  After she was born the paternity concluded she was.  He & the mother were not in a relationship they had sex twice and on that 2nd time the condom broke.  I couldn’t be mad because we weren’t together but I was definitely hurt, very hurt.  I don’t think I have ever felt anything like that in my life.  It took me a while to move past those feelings.  We continued to remain close and still seeing each other as often as school would allow.

Fast forward to now, I am graduating from law school next month and here is where the dilemma lies.  We talked about my moving to where he is and trying to “restart/continue where we left” our relationship.  We have talked and talked and talked about it. We both are scared.  We have been apart/not in the same city for so long, what if it doesn’t work.  He has been “free” for so long, what if a relationship isn’t really what he thought he wanted?  Starting a new job as an attorney is going to require long hours, what if I can’t give him what he needs/deserves? While we talk all the time, being in the same place is totally different.  We have to learn each other’s ways all over again.  Likes/dislikes/irks/

annoyances/new ways.  If I move there, take the bar, get a job and we don’t work, I have no other support system there.  All I know is his family and friends.  I can’t just pick up and move back where I was, because I wouldn’t be licensed in that state.  The thought of not spending the rest of my life with him puts serious knots in my stomach, but is that enough to take this leap of faith?  From a little girl, I have always wanted to be an attorney, but had I known it would have ended this way, I wouldn’t have gone.

Even typing this is making me cry.  Definitely the hardest decision I have ever made.

Thanks,
Lonely Lawyer

Comments
33 Responses to “She Went To Law School, He Had A Baby With Another Woman… Now What’s Next?”
  1. rena says:

    I would just move on, he has extra baggage now baby and baby mama. That puts extra strain on already strain relationship.

  2. LetsFilmThis21 says:

    I think it would be a lot easier for her to just move on with her life and leave the past in the past. She might want to end all ties with him, depending on the depth of their ‘friendship’. I don’t think that his ‘baggage’ is the issue in this case. I just think that things will never be the same with them again so it will definitely be hard for them to go back to the way things were.

  3. Leave that spilled milk alone…..get a fresh start!!

    • Huh??? says:

      Ya’ll are tripping. You must be real young. Men deal with womens babies ALL THE TIME. If a baby is enough reason to end it no one would ever be together. These people sound like they had no problems and are compatible. Do you know how hard that is to find? Yeah you can find someone to uck easy…but compatibility is a different thing. Again I say you must be young. You’re just entertainment for most people you meet in life. When you find someone that loves you and REALLY has your back you better learn to appreciate them cause most people wont be there for you when you need them. Yes even those people that say they’re your friends and “love you”. I’m giving you game and I hope ya’ll peep it. Last but not least I have a baby mama and her and my wife hug when they see each other cause they both respect me. I’m not saying everyones situation will be that peaceful but it doesn’t have to be funky when your a grown up. The whole time I’m writing this i’m thinking i’m wasting time tho. These women are probably just haters that want everybody else to be lonely like they are.

  4. LiveALittle says:

    I say go for it. She is clearly in love with him. The possibility of it not working is always there. I understand her lawyer dreams and she needs to live that out but she stated that if she knew this would happen she would not have gone. This tells me that she is more in love with him then being a lawyer. Nothing is wrong with putting him first as long as she can live with that decision no matter the outcome. She needs to openly tell him all of her concerns dealing with their relationship, her career and the baby. If she sees that they are on the same page she should go for it. She has a degree so her education will always be there and if she needs to get certified in another state she can but the chance to reunite with someone she is in love with may not come back around.

  5. Keysanna says:

    I say go for it. If you don’t you’ll always have that thought in the back of your mind saying “what if?”. Nobody knows what the future holds for them but if he is what you and your heart want, give it a try. There are so many people who won’t get to experience the feelings you have so make the best of your oppourtunity. And if it doesn’t work out, you can always find your own friends in that state. You don’t have to move just because of him. But if you two have had a strong connection for years, its a waste not to try and see where it may take you. I wish you and him the best of luck!

    • ThisisXilla says:

      Xilla Likes this!

      • Keysanna says:

        Thank you! I was shocked to see so many people just telling her to walk away though. And most of them were women. How do you just walk away from love? With a strong connection like that? I guess there are very few women who actually want to be in love these days!

  6. ZY says:

    leave it alone and move on. it seems like she’s going to be making a lot of sacrifices (leaving family/friends to move to his state, getting her license there) and tying herself to the hopes that it works. in reality… it very well may not work and then what? you’re stuck. if he really wants to make it work with you, let him move to your state or find a neutral middle ground where you can start fresh together. that way if things change between you two, there will be no resentment at having had picked up and given up so much to be where he is…

  7. Hard place... says:

    Lonely Lawyer that man has your heart and if u have his the way he has urs go be w/ him. That is a special bond that is very rare. Don’t pass up a chance to see what could happen with the 2 of u. Although his life has changed drastically with him being a father so things won’t go back to the way they were,, there is that chance that it could be better. U will never know unless u try. Not sure if ur a praying woman but if u are this is a huge decision so prayer for direction is needed. Hope it works out for the both of u. Definitely make ur concerns known to him before the move.

    • ThisisXilla says:

      THANK YOU VERY MUCH TWICE!!! Give love a chance ladies… you invest all this time and you can literally tell another woman to walk away without trying? That would eat her up more. She's a PK.

      • Hard place... says:

        YOUR WELCOME VERY MUCH TWICE!!! Yes that regret and not knowing and going through life thinking “what if” would be the hardest thing to deal w/. A PK, cool so like I stated praying for direction would be best or that’s what I would do. Its sad how so many women just automatically think to move on because of fear. We can’t be in 100% control of every situation(ironic bcuz imma control freak…in recovery lol). Hope it works out for real tho. Thx 4 sharing this story Xilla :)

  8. LS says:

    I’d keep it moving but if you truly can’t live without this man take it slow… stay long distance, stay focused on being an attorney… don’t rush to him and it not work out in a few months and you’re stuck trying to get a new license in a place you may not want to stay surrounded by everything that reminds you of him because you’ll be moving where he is with his friends and family

  9. cruellaD says:

    sounds like u’ve made a lota sacrifices n he just wants things handed 2 him…im just saying…

    • ThisisXilla says:

      Men are spoiled! lol

      • Huh??? says:

        Xilla dont agree with that foolishness. What sacrifices did she make??? They made mutual agreements to pursue their dreams. Your hearing one side of the story. Just because she didn’t mention someone in her life specifically doesn’t mean there wasn’t someone cracking her spine in between classes. What she did say tho was they weren’t exclusive. Please explain how she made sacrifices and he just wants things handed to him because they still love each other. She said WE talked about me moving where he is not he asked me to. With an attitude like that your gonna get what you deserve. Stop being a negative hater!!

  10. Jacki says:

    It will be another man out there for you baby girl, what is he doing now since the baby has been born? You never know if he may want to have a relationship with the mother of his child once you move to where he is. Keep chasing your dreams of being an attorney, once you start handling cases all of your time, effort, and many hours will be poured into your work. He will not be able to keep up & cope with it since you can’t give him that attention he needs. There is someone always out there for you & it may not be him, think twice before you move in and change your life for a man.

    • ThisisXilla says:

      How can she just walk away after all this time? I can't believe there are so many move on with your life comments? They had an open relationship. You cannot throw away what thy had just like that…

  11. cc says:

    i can’t get over all these ‘move on’ comments, either!
    i got excited for this girl just reading this blog, damn go make your way back to this man please! if you know it will make you happy, then do it! also, if you remained in contact that whole time and whatnot, i think that goes to show the bond between you two is very strong, keeping in touch from a distance isn’t an easy task. from reading this i feel like your heart is aching to be reunited with this man. and if it doesn’t work out, so what? live and learn right. at the end of the day, you have a muthafuggen law degree. i say go for it.

  12. ElleMai says:

    Im surprised there are so many move on with your life comments too! You guys obviously have not experienced the wrath of real love. And the worse thing she can do is walk away from it because although her legs will be going another direction, her heart will remain wherever he goes.

    Id understand if he didnt treat her well, and was on and off with her, then yea.. definitely the girl gotta move on because he isnt serious.. But he sounds like he needs her as much as she needs him. So what if there is a child in the picture? Hows that going to harm their relationship – if they got along so well as it appears in her post that they will have similar views and values and that will bring them together to support this child.

    Dont know why people see children as a burden. I mean, fair enough if there was 2 or 3 of them but 1 child, innocent, isnt planning to harm anyone. If anything its the mother of that child that you need to think about.. I wont say “worry about”.. cos not all baby mums are malicious.

    Go where your heart takes you. 2nd chances dont come around every day.

  13. ElleMai says:

    ..and i definitely dont agree that by moving in with him shes changing/risking anything for this guy. At the end of the day a degree is forever, and so long as she maintains this ambitious stance in life – havign a man by her side will only get her there faster.

  14. Hizallure says:

    I love love. I disagree with the move on comments. Girl go be with your man…take that risk. It may turn out to be the best thing you ever did :)

    • ThisisXilla says:

      Yep and if he is a lame at least she'll find out for herself and be able to move on b/c unless she does she'll never be able to live that down.

  15. Spongetta Citronella says:

    #1- Get licensed in both states. I know it may be expensive & studying for 2 different boards can be stressful, but at least it would give u a way out (if need be)

    #2- be ready 4 the DRAMA. He is brushing his bm off like a Jump-Off, but we as women know, the bm wants MORE. No woman pushes out a baby for a man without having some feelings for him. I talked to a bm today who said “me & MY B.D. GONA ALWAYS HAVE THT CONNECTION.” Be ready for late nite calls, the demanding of money & time, etc from the bm

    #3- Never give up on ur dreams for a man b/c HUMANS will let u down everytime, but u can always depend on urself & ur accomplishments. If D is for u, he would RIDE OR DIE to be with u. I hate tht u r a “ride or die” chick” but u r not getting the same love/respect in return. Im glad u went to law school & didnt sacrifice ur aspirations/goals for some man

    #4- Back to this bm stuff, Im not sure he telling the truth about the condom breaking. Yes, he coulda been looking for rebound love, but Im sure it is more to the bm story than wht he is telling u

    Good Luck

    #4- STOP WORRYING about if if wont work. Who cares? Give it a try…. if it doesnt, u have some experiences under ur belt tht will help u for the future

  16. Spongetta Citronella says:

    #1- Get licensed in both states. I know it may be expensive & studying for 2 different boards can be stressful, but at least it would give u a way out (if need be)

    #2- be ready 4 the DRAMA. He is brushing his bm off like a Jump-Off, but we as women know, the bm wants MORE. No woman pushes out a baby for a man without having some feelings for him. I talked to a bm today who said “me & MY B.D. GONA ALWAYS HAVE THT CONNECTION.” Be ready for late nite calls, the demanding of money & time, etc from the bm.

    #3- Never give up on ur dreams for a man b/c HUMANS will let u down everytime, but u can always depend on urself & ur accomplishments. If D is for u, he would RIDE OR DIE to be with u. I hate tht u r a “ride or die” chick” but u r not getting the same love/respect in return. Im glad u went to law school & didnt sacrifice ur aspirations/goals for some man

    #4- Back to this bm stuff, Im not sure he telling the truth about the condom breaking. Yes, he coulda been looking for rebound love, but Im sure it is more to the bm story than wht he is telling u

    Good Luck

    #4- STOP WORRYING about if if wont work. Who cares? Give it a try…. if it doesnt, u have some experiences under ur belt tht will help u for the future

  17. Spongetta Citronella says:

    P.S. To all of the bloggers who dont understand why most female bloggers told Lonely Lawyer to move on, it is b/c they are either a bm or have dealt with a bm

    Most bm’s can be very manipulative, controlling, jealous, mean,trifling & messy. A bm can be Kryptonite to a good, responsible man b/c the man will want to be a good father but the bm will take him thru hell if he tries to move on. Alot of bm’s will “turn up the heat” once they know the bd is dating. This is y alot of women dnt want a man with young kids

  18. Spongetta Citronella says:

    Last Post: If the tables were turned & D is the one graduating from law school, would he be with a woman who had a child out of wedlock? Would he uproot himself to be with her/baby & change his career plans? Would he accept the child? Could he marry a woman who had a baby for another man?

    Most men would run. And thts Real Talk

  19. Karmen says:

    D is a father. His focus should be to his child and making sure he does his best in that situation. I think the reason he had a baby and you live farther away is because you are not ment to be right now. You could say its God or the universe or what ever. I believe in taking a hint. If D wants to be with you as much a you deserve then he might try conforming to you for a change. He could move closer to you. & Anything having to do with his his child and the mother is his responsibility. I think the lesson to learn is to put your self first. You can still be friends. But If this entire time you haven’t been exclusive. Why now ? Would you be exclusive if he didn’t have a child ? You might just be in love with the idea of each other, which is understandable. But it just does not work out in real life. I also think that D and the other woman deserve a chance to work out their situation with out the interference of others to see where they satnd. Keep doing you. Give him a chance to be a man & see what he does.

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