She Went To Law School, He Had A Baby With Another Woman… Now What’s Next?
I got an interesting email from one of my female readers, While I did give her some advice I thought the sexual intellectuals could give her some added advice. So read her letter and lets try to help her out.
I have been dating this guy D for about 9 years. We met when were in college (we went to different schools). We were just kicking it talking regularly, occasionally hanging out. From the beginning there has always been a connection that went further than the sex. After I graduated, my friends and I moved to a new city, which happened to be where he lived. We continued to date, but not exclusively. Neither of us was ready to be tied down, but again that connection kept us talking and hanging out and by 2005 we were hanging out all the time.
Yes the sex was amazing but I had said to myself that if something happened and we couldn’t have sex anymore, I would still be with him. That was how I knew he had my heart. I was in LOVE. Both of our parents have been married for a really long time and so we both know the ups and downs of marriage and we were not in a rush to jump into anything. In the summer of 2007 D moved to anothe city to work with his father in real estate. It was to be a temporary move just until he felt he could come back to our city and get his own business going. While we knew the 4 hour distance would be a challenge we saw the bigger picture of what this challenge was going to provide for our future. Because I loved him, I supported his decision knowing that he truly felt that was the best choice for us.
In 2008 I was accepted into law school but in a city further away from where D was. We were now 7.5 hours apart. He knew of my dream to attend law school and he was nothing but supportive and encouraged me to go even though we knew what that meant for us. In law school you either make it or you fall hard. Making it meant my priorities had to change. They both could not be #1. The first year was okay, we managed to see each other every month, but I noticed the toll the distance was taking. D was spoiled, and I have no one to blame but myself for that. He always had my attention and time and was #1 no matter what. Law school put him in the back seat. While he never said anything, probably didn’t want to stress me out more on top of school stress, I knew him well enough to know things were changing between us and why they were changing. I felt bad not being able to give him what he needed, what I felt he deserved.
We decided to “break up” but we still talked everyday, we were each other’s best friends. About 5 months later D told me that a girl he slept with was pregnant and it might be his. After she was born the paternity concluded she was. He & the mother were not in a relationship they had sex twice and on that 2nd time the condom broke. I couldn’t be mad because we weren’t together but I was definitely hurt, very hurt. I don’t think I have ever felt anything like that in my life. It took me a while to move past those feelings. We continued to remain close and still seeing each other as often as school would allow.
Fast forward to now, I am graduating from law school next month and here is where the dilemma lies. We talked about my moving to where he is and trying to “restart/continue where we left” our relationship. We have talked and talked and talked about it. We both are scared. We have been apart/not in the same city for so long, what if it doesn’t work. He has been “free” for so long, what if a relationship isn’t really what he thought he wanted? Starting a new job as an attorney is going to require long hours, what if I can’t give him what he needs/deserves? While we talk all the time, being in the same place is totally different. We have to learn each other’s ways all over again. Likes/dislikes/irks/
annoyances/new ways. If I move there, take the bar, get a job and we don’t work, I have no other support system there. All I know is his family and friends. I can’t just pick up and move back where I was, because I wouldn’t be licensed in that state. The thought of not spending the rest of my life with him puts serious knots in my stomach, but is that enough to take this leap of faith? From a little girl, I have always wanted to be an attorney, but had I known it would have ended this way, I wouldn’t have gone.
Even typing this is making me cry. Definitely the hardest decision I have ever made.