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Jerk Journals: She Was In A Relationship With A Dude So Wack, So I Put It In Her Guts

Photo by Marius Lardizabal - Photography

My name is Xilla and I’m a self-absorbed jerk. I also used to be a myspace celebrity. This pseudo celebrity allowed me to sleep with numerous women, the wonders of a fly myspace page. I still marvel at how women get wet over sparkly pictures, html and moving text, but I digress. One time after writing a dope blog I bagged this fly chick that ran track for Clark-Atlanta, who would later become a Cinderella.

Losing such a beautiful chick sucks. It was one of the dumbest things I ever did and not that I regret it, or anything, but I probably shouldn’t have did what I did. Let me backtrack for a bit, after talking on myspace for weeks we decided to hook up. I think we caught a movie, and I probably made her dinner. College students don’t eat and I gladly activated my role as a broke college student supporter. Only issue was she had a boyfriend. She would talk to me about their problems, I would give her advice and comfort her during hard times. So when she agreed to meet in person I sorta new I was in there good like Precious wearing a g-string. Yep! I was in there good.

One day we decided to play dominoes, and if you don’t know I’m a boss at dominoes. She thought that since she was from Cali she could beat me in bones, so I decided to up the ante and said let’s play for clothes. Now a chick doesn’t agree to play for clothes unless she wants you to see her naked. I think she started losing on purpose. Before I knew it she was butt naked, and I had my face in her muffin, licking and smearing all of her wetness over my entire face. Shockingly after we were done doing the do, she asked me if I was going to write about it, I said no, but she sorta insisted. So I wrote about it on my myspace blog, and later rewrote about it as a Cinderella Story.

Only issue was it turns out her boyfriend was one of the millions of people who read my blog. He called her one-day while she was in my bed, about to take it in her gut. He was so pissed I heard him through the phone. He was such a clown, she told him she was studying or something like that he bought the lie, and we got to doing the do. I have no problem slaying another man’s girl, especially while she’s away at college. I made crazy faces at her phone and she tried her best not to laugh. As soon as she hung up she punched me in the arm harder than Mike Tyson hit Spinks that had him flopping across the ring like pansy. I had her boyfriend feeling like a groupie. Hello, Good Morning!

We started spending all of our time together, I would let her push the whip and for 2 semesters it was like she was my girl. One thing I noticed about girls who cheat on their man is they always have a partner in crime. Someone to co-sign their lies and be witness to the hoe sh*t they do.

Some dude I knew from Jersey begged me to stay at my house in Atlanta while he got his life together. I let him even though we had a fight in high school and he DDT’d me in the middle of the hall after class was over. My name is Xilla and I’m dumb as hell. He was really a bum. Every morning he would walk to the store and buy a beer and leave empty beer cans all over my living room floor. I didn’t know what to do with him, so I decided to hook him up with the track star’s friend. So we hopped in my car and headed to her dorm. Once in her room we decided to play a game of truth or dare.

One dare had my girl doing cartwheels down the hall while shouting about my greatness. Another dare had me eating puss, in front of everyone in the room, and then the dare to end all dares. We dared the girls friend to show us her twat or booty. I can’t quite remember. What I do remember is when she pulled down her pants, the smell of vagina was so fierce I thought I got hit in the head with a rotten fish. Her stench was now the elephant in the room. I know they smelled it, because I smelled it. Her friend smelled like Phys Ed class for fat people who ate curry seasoned stale sardines for breakfast, lunch and dinner. My boy forever in his hood state of mind, was in love. The whole ride home all he could talk about is how fine they were and how his girl looked better than my girl. I looked at him with such a look you would have thought he killed my dog, Snowball by throwing a beer at his head.

The next day I left my bum friend in the house and headed to see my track star girl who had a man. We did it again in her dorm, hung out for a while until her boyfriend called again. I didn’t make any faces. After the phone call her conscious started working. She didn’t break off our friendship, but she did put the breaks on it a little bit. No biggie I knew she wasn’t mine. Later I would do one of the dumbest moves I ever did. The next weekend she came to my house, got a tongue spanking and some good peen, I got good head and filled her mouth with a gooey substance and all was well in our lives. She was going home to pick up her car her mother brought her. She was so happy. A new car and she got to see the man she loved. I was totally comfortable being number 2. She saw me more than him anyway who cares right?

When she got back home to California she uploaded a picture of her boyfriend and her, smiling and being all in love and things. I must have been drunk or high or something because my inner jerk kicked in. Now before this moment her boyfriend thought I was playing tidily winks on her vagina with my penis, but he didn’t know. When I saw the picture the only thing I thought was to leave a comment. It read. “Is you happy?” Followed by the video for TI’s Why You Wanna. An few minutes later I got a phone call… She cursed me out, deleted me from her friends list, made her profile private and cut all ties from me. I sort of new that would happen, but I was more upset that it changed my top 8 and put this ugly girl’s face on my page. Damn her. I did learn to play my role and not expose a woman cheating on her man.

13 Responses to “Jerk Journals: She Was In A Relationship With A Dude So Wack, So I Put It In Her Guts”
  1. Ashley says:

    OMH this was so funny. Now first of all Xilla you were dead wrong for leaving that song on her picture. On the flip side you sure like eating the box. hehe Did you ever speak to her again?

  2. KeshaTurn says:

    I can't stop laughing. Precious in a g-string I feel like throwing up and but its so funny. thanks for the laugh i needed this.

  3. Steff Money says:

    I had this guy I was creeping with and he would always try to make noise and be in my face when my man called. He was so immature. Looking back I don't know why I even dealt with his ass. But yeah thats not cool at all.

    Lemme find out you messed with somebody from my school. Which Dorm room where you in? I wonder if it was my room! Lol Lemme find out Xilla got busy in my dorm.

  4. Kiwi says:

    Dont be making it look like CAU girls are loose (ok some r)…and yeah I'm curious which dorm?!

    Funny Story!

  5. Xilla says:

    HAHA! @Kiwi @Steff Idk the actual name of it, but i know there is a parking lot in the back and it's sorta on a side street… but I forgot the name of it. Which one do y'all stay in?

  6. Lex says:

    LOL now I've been following you since Myspace and who knew u were getting it in with Myspace groupies (guess I missed my chance LOL). SMDH myspace was what Facebook now is, breaking up happpy homes everyday. I bet she not even with that guy now or did u ever eventually talk to her again and find out she is?

  7. Xilla says:

    #LEX i have no clue actually. lol

  8. A. Mil says:

    Too Funny!!! OH MAN!!! Not you Xilla??? You got Jelly… LOL!!! Happy you learned from that experience… LOL!!! Never try to blow up a woman's spot when it comes to her man. WE cover our tracks too well for that.. No loose ends! LOL!!!

  9. Xilla says:

    @A. Mil I don't know why i did it, I mean I knew i Was number 2 but sometimes it just happens. lol

  10. yana says:

    lmao omg crazy!! she got caught up lol aww i wonder if she still reads the blog til' this day…. the only thing she could do would be to laugh… i wanna read the myspace blog that u wrote about her!

  11. bogart4017 says:

    Brother you have lived quite a life! That is just way too much adventure for me!

  12. Cool story, but what did your bum room mate have to do with anything? Seems totally irrelevant.

    College chicks were always easy targets, especially if you had a crib AND a whip. Memories….

  13. DaRuler says:

    is you happy? lmao..!

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